The Great 30k-40k Conspiracy…

Meme

 

Howdy everyone, Profesor Severus here.  I was listening to a podcast last night and I had a sudden epiphany.  I think the guys over at The Southern State of 40k may have stumbled onto a great Games-Workshop conspiracy.  And I am here today to break it down for you.

Over the last year or two, the way we build lists and the rules for 40k have changed a lot.  Crazier combos are starting to be let out in the rules, making balance harder to achieve.  List building is become more and more complex with the composite detachments, formations, and factions.  Even the way the rules are provided for us is becoming more complex as seen in the recent campaign updates to space wolves, tau, astra militara, and ect.  It is a very different looking game compared to what we all knew back in 6th edition.  I am not saying it is good or bad, just different.

Now, rewind in your head to about 3 years ago.  Forgeworld launched their Horus Heresy system.  It was based of 6th edition 40k rules, but it essentially had it’s own force org charts and codexes.  At the time of it’s launch, it played a lot like 40k.  Lists were built relatively the same.  Army rules and unit entries were provided in the same format as 40k for the most part.  Essentially, 30k was a different skin on the 40k rule system.  At the end of the day, you got into Horus Heresy if you liked the fluff or the armies.

Now look at what has happened with the two games over the last few years.  40k has sort of opened up the flood gate with rules, new units, new army construction methods.   Balance is now a thing that can be hard to achieve.  It is quickly becoming a game more about the story and less about balance and competition.  And 30k (aka Horus Heresy) has stayed the same.  It still adheres to strict force org charts, formations haven’t showed up yet, lords of war are limited based on army size, and the rules feel pretty well internally balanced.

This is a complete guess, but what if that was the point.  The game systems were to similar when 30k launched.  Now they have diverged enough to start seeing a real difference.  On paper, it looks like 30k should attract players more concerned with balance and competition.  40k should attract players more interested in narrative and crazy games.  I am not as active in the community as I once was, so I can’t tell you if the player base has shifted to follow those lines yet.

What do you guys think?  Does that theory make sense?  Could GW be intentionally trying to split the player base into a narrative focused group and a balance focused group by making 30k and 40k so different?  Or has the Professor been working around to much super glue fumes lately?  Until next time this is Professor Severus saying have a good one and take it easy.

Bloody Long Game

This weekend I got in a team game with the Lord Primarch (Ultramarines) and Augustus the Arcane (Minotaurs) vs. Severus the Uncompromising (Orks) and me (Tyranids). It was a fun game that ended with a one-point loss for the Orks and Nids. And I did learn a few things from this game.

  1. When you have a team game with 2000-point per player lists, and not play Apoc rules, you are in for a long day. The game lasted at least 6 hours.
  2. I need to learn how to accurately measure. Somehow, I had an eleven-inch charge in turn 1, which should have been a twelve-inch charge at best. Outcome didn’t matter as I failed the charge and the Raveners died in second half of turn one anyway. I really didn’t intend to cheat, but I admit it, I miss measured something.
  3. Centurions can wreck a Hierodule. In turn one, while I was trying to keep my dule away from the monster killers, I had a very poor run role, followed by another one, keeping the dule out in the open. Yea, it died pretty quickly.
  4. When you are having serious back issues, playing warhammer doesn’t help. This is not an old man’s game. I need to hire some youth (preferably of the opposite sex) to move my models for me.
  5. The weirdboy can actually be productive! How weird is that?
  6. The Lifta Droppa is hilarious when it works. And in this game, it worked very well. In theory it should hit a third of the time, but I swear that in a six turn game this thing took out at least 2 Drop Pods and a hovering Stormtalon. I think it took out even more than that, but still.
  7. The Biovore is not as bad as I feared. In fact, the one I used performed so well that I am building another one now. I will probably do a more through review later.
  8. I am getting old. Ok, I didn’t learn that in the game, but the point still stands.
  9. Drop Pod Assaults are worse in team games. There was a wall of them. Well, there was till the Lifta Droppa threw a few out of the way.
  10. I wanted to play a large game against Serverus once. Something like 3000 points per side. After this game, I now longer want to play that. I would need to nap after that game.

So that is it. A few of the things I learned from a very long, but very fun game played this weekend.

Shorereaper out.

Now… where is that bed?

New Model Syndrome

Howdy everyone, Severus here.  I wanted to talk today about a common occurrence, New Model Syndrome.  We have all seen it in one form or another.  In short, it is when we have a new model or unit that we have been dying to play with.  When that model hits the table it usually dies in a horrific manner early in the game.  Our gaming group had three instances of this craziness in one afternoon this weekend.

First up, my beloved meganobz.  I got these guys a few weeks ago and have them built, magnetized, and primed.  I am not a stickler about playing only painted models, so I threw them in for there first game against blood angels.  Turn one this unit managed to get in range to charge a baal predator (that was about to burn up my whole left flank).  Need a 7 inch charge, rolled a six.  Even ‘Ere we go couldn’t save them.  They promptly died to three inferno pistol shots.  Three hits, three wounds, no save, doubled them out.  So I sadly put them back in my dead model tray.

Up next, my opponents unit of Sanguinary Guard.  He had just finished painting them.  He doesn’t play unpainted models, so this was their first game.  After seeing off the meganobz with some amazing shooting, they were charged by some boyz and Grukk Faceripper.  The guard themselves killed 2 boys.  Then they lost 9 guard to boyz and Grukk.  That left Dante and one guard left, who promptly hit and ran away.  That combat went the exact opposite way everyone thought.

After these two events happened back to back I declared to the other gamers that all new models will die in a fire if they play them today.  Shorereaper did not heed my warning.  He wanted to try out his new sporocyst against the lord primarch’s ultramarines.  I joked that the primarch would kill it turn one with bolters.  Guess what happened.  Died to bolter fire from bikes and a storm bolter on a drop pod.

I could go on.  Plenty of us have stories about similar event. It seems the harder we work on a new model the more spectacular the death.  I had a conversion I worked on end up having the building he was standing on get blown up and he fell to his death back in 6th edition.  The good part is that once these models die, they seem to get over there bad luck.

How about you guys?  Have you seen new model syndrome rear it’s ugly head before?  Share some stories.  Until next time this is Severus saying have a good one and take it easy.

Effects of Exposure to Space on the Tyranid Biomorphs

total recall

 

Howdy everyone, Severus here.  I was listening to the latest podcast from The Overlords when the subject of a tyranid being exposed to space came up.  A physicist by the name of Ricard explained the principles behind heat gain and loss in space for a tyranid (sorry if I botched the spelling there, not a name that I am familiar with as an american).  The question was brought up what would happen to the tissues (aka eyes exploding and vessels popping).  Jon asked for a “medic” to write in to answer the question.  In real life I am a veterinarian, and my main area of focus is exotic animal medicine.  So, I feel qualified to answer this subject.  The following is probably not for the squeamish.

First off, explosive decompression of a body would not be possible.  The vacuum does not tear you apart.  The internal pressure within a body would be the only force acting on it to make it “explode”.  Fortunately, even in us squishy humans, our skin and connective tissues are strong enough to prevent those internal pressures from causes an explosion.  Now, one would assume the armored tyranids would also have as strong skin and connective tissue as a lowly guardsman.  Any biomorph intended to be exposed to space would probably have much harder outer skin than the normal biomorph.

Now, this pressure within our circulatory system would be strong enough to make small blood vessels, called capillaries, burst.  These are located through out the body.  Likely the surface vessels would be the only vessels exposed to enough of a pressure differential to burst.  These small vessels connect the arteries and veins and are the main way oxygen is delivered to tissues.  So, yes, the vessels in your eyes would burst.  But these vessels are small enough that there would not be an major bleeding due to clotting mechanisms and there very small diameter (usually only wide enough to fit a single blood cell or two through at a time).  The main damage would be the lack of oxygen to tissue.

The last major affect of exposure to vacuum would be escape of gas from a body.  In the case of a human, this would mean all the air in your respiratory system (lungs, trachea, mouth, sinus) and all the gas in your gastrointestinal system (stomach, intestines, colon).  Essential the would be a massive fart/burp along with a giant cough, leaving your body devoid of any gasses, mainly oxygen.  This would cause you to black out and suffocate.

Now, I don’t have a tyranid in front of me to examine it’s respiratory system and circulatory system.  I can extrapolate that the respiratory system of most of the ground based organisms we see are similar to ours.  Whether breathing through a mouth or nose into some sort of lung like organ.  They would have some connection to the outside environment and would therefore experience the gas robbing effects of the vacuum. AKA, a tyranid biomorph not designed for void exposure would likely suffocate unless they had some sort of emergency valve to seal off there respiratory system.

The circulatory system on the other hand is a whole new story.  The closest analog to a tyranid in the animal kingdom is insects or crustaceans.  They have a different circulatory system.  Humans have a closed system (blood contained in veins, arteries, and capillaries).  Insects and crustaceans have an open system.  In an open system, the heart pumps the hemolymph (the bug equivalent of blood) into a cavity that surround all the organs.  The hemolymph bathes the organs in nutrients and oxygen.  So, in exposure to vacuum, there are now small fragile vessels to burst.  The tyranid is likely one big squishy balloon of organs and hemolymph.  So, tyranids of any sort would not likely have vessels that burst in the vacuum of space.

Now for the final question, would the eyes explode?  There is a small amount of pressure contained with in the globe of each eye in most animals.  This pressure would not be enough to break through the connective tissues that make up an eye.  So they eyes would not burst.  They would not pop out of the sockets either since there is no significant sources of pressure behind the eye.  Any tyranid biomorph’s eyes would be safe from explosion in the void.  A squishy human would likely have the vessels on the surface of the eye burst, but not the eye itself.

So, more science than and explanation than was likely necessary.  But now you know.  Suffocation and a few burst small vessels are what a squishy guardsman could expect.  Tyranids would likely only suffer suffocation unless they had some biomorphs to prevent the loss of gasses (aka chitin oxygen tanks in there body).  More of a reason to fear the creepy space bugs.  Until next time, this is Severus saying have a good one and take it easy.

The Various Forms of Dice God Worship

goddiceHowdy everyone, Severus here.  As we are all aware, dice are a huge part of any warhammer game.  They can be your greatest ally or worst enemy.  The dice owe there allegiance to no gamer.  They only serve the Dice Gods.  Logic would follow that if you want to succeed at good dice rolls, you need to please the dice gods.  Well I have traveled the globe (figuratively) to find you the many acts that please the dice gods.  I have even been able to find a few rituals that can displease them as well.  I now share my hard earned wisdom with you.

1. Never re-roll a “successful” die.  It gets tiring bringing up that six time and time again.  The dice gods don’t like to make there minions work that hard.  Often times these over worked minions will fail you when you need them most.  The dice that rolled low are well rested and eager to please the dice gods with a high value.  An example would be the following: “Okay, I need 5’s to hit that daemon prince.  Sweet, 3 hits.  Now 2’s to wound (scoops up the successful dice and rolls)….No wounds.”

2.  Never use the phrase “anything but a 1”.  This phrase is like a challenge to the dice gods.  They live for challenges.  Without fail, using the phrase “anything but” will almost guarantee that particular result.  5 wounds on your terminators from bolter fire?  Roll 4 ones.

3.  The dice gods are not fair.  Do not assume that because the gods have given your dice bad rolls earlier in the game that you are do for some good luck.  Things can always get worse.  Just honor the gods.  If they decree your dice will roll low, expect that and plan appropriately.

4.  Never tell the dice what is “statistical”.  Once again, the dice gods see this as a challenge.  Particularly if it is your opponents dice.  “Sweet, 26 wounds on your terminators, you should lose 4.  (dice are rolled)  So…they all live.  Did I at least scratch there paint?”

5. Develop your own personal rituals.  The dice gods love individuals that make a special ritual to acknowledge there powers.  Some people use a special motion while rolling for important rolls. Others use a special phrase, often times in tongues that there opponent does not understand.  Whatever the ritual is, be consistent.  If you fail to preform it, the dice gods will undoubted show there displeasure with you.

6.  Recognize the champions of the gods.  Some of you may call them “lucky dice”.  Often times they are larger and more ornate then your normal dice.  These dice seem to always come through for you when needed since they have the blessing of the gods.  It is important to not abuse these champions.  They work for the dice gods, not you.  They will lose the gods favor if they spend to much time in your employ.

7.  Finally, in rare occasions, the gods will demand a sacrifice.  It starts when a group of dice stray off the path of the dice gods.  They start to behave randomly.  They will soon earn the ire of the dice gods.  This is manifested in horrible rolling.  The only way to end there punishment is with a sacrifice.  Melting a select individual with fire or a microwave, smashing with blunt objects, or hurling across the room to separate it from it tribe.  These are all acceptable methods in the dice gods eyes.

That about sums it up for me today.  I hope these valuable tip will help you understand the dice gods and there ways.  I am making a effort to get the blog a bit more exposure, so please give it a share if you like it.  Until then, this is Severus saying take it easy and have a good one.

War Gamer Stereotypes: Compliation

Howdy folks, Severus again. I want to do more humor articles like my war gaming stereotypes.  Problem is I have like half a dozen articles filled with them.  So, I decided to do a compilations (mainly so I can see what I have already done.)  I know it is a bit lazy, but I am publishing it anyway.  At least this way everyone is caught up.

WARNING: The following is for comedic purposes only.  Do not take what I say personally.  I am sure I could fit into several of these stereotypes myself.  Just try to have fun guys.

The Old Veteran:  These guys have been in the hobby forever.  You can tell by there references to things like rogue trader, 3rd edition, or “I remember when that army first came out.”  These gamers are often prone to “Previous Edition Syndrome”, a condition defined by the constant phrase “My mistake, that’s a rule from 4th ed”.  In their defense, they have had to re learn the rule set 5 or 6 times.  Often times they have models older than their opponent’s actual age.  These old models can be picked out by there classic Vitruvian Man stance.

The Young Kid: Let’s face it, most of us started out like this.  Their armies are often very small, since this game can be expensive.  Models are poorly painted, often with craft store paint.  Getting a ride to the game store from Mom, most of these guys are trapped in a there for many hours.  Hovering over a game becomes a past time, often while asking a million questions to the players.  In more extreme cases, these gamers begin to loose all focus on a single army and acquire small collections of 2-3 armies.  None of these are big enough for a legal game.

The Hip Gamer:  He used to play 40k, you know, before it was broken.  Now he plays some game you never heard of.  He dabbles in Warmachine and Infinity, but they are losing their appeal as they become more and more popular.  If he does play 40k, he will often pull out an obscure army that you never see hit the table.  Sisters of Battle, no he will not call them Adepta Sororitas.

The Professional Painter:  This guy’s “table top quality” makes your models look like you painted them drunk.  His play style can range from competitive to fluff.  Regardless of wins or losses, he will always field a fully painted army ten times better than a single model in yours.  You almost feel guilty killing his models.  Fielding an unpainted model makes his skin crawl.  Side note: don’t touch his models, some of these guys can be very protective of their babies.  Or spill a coke on them.

The Converter:  A close cousin to the painter, these gamers must convert every model in their army.  No two models look the same.  Building something straight out of the box physically hurts these guys.  They can do things with green stuff you didn’t know was possible (Is that a tiny name patch on each of your guardsmen’s uniforms?  Looks like I just killed “Trooper Franklin Octavio III”).  In extreme cases, you may often have to ask him what each model in his army is again since they look nothing like the models that actually have rules.

The Afraid to Lose Guy:  Lets face it, we all lose games.  Seriously, don’t tell me you haven’t lost since 6th ed dropped, it makes me want to punch you.  This guy is so afraid to let a loss sneak on to his record, he often fails to finish a game that he may lose.  His phone will ring, he steps out, then there is a sudden reason he needs to leave before the game ends.  Really, your lawn is on fire?  I thought you lived in an apartment?  Regardless, he will always say lets call it a draw as he quickly packs up his models.  On the other hand if the game is a landslide, he always wants to play it out.  You know, to see if he can table you.

The Ork Player:  As you may know by now, I am an ork player.  Our type is usually characterized by a complete lack of caring over model safety and winning.  All ork players want to do is actually be an ork.  Run forward and smash things.  Models are often tossed casually into a dead pile or bucket.  If one breaks, don’t worry, we have 300 more at least.  A completely painted ork army is like finding a unicorn.  Also, waaghs are usually screamed at the top of our lungs, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The Unprepared Guy:  You can pretty much count on this guy to bring most of the models he needs to play, and that’s about it.  Don’t be offended if he needs to borrow dice, templates, rulers, codex, ect.  A few proxies will always be in his list, since he almost always left something at home.  Why are there coke bottles all over your table? Oh, you forgot your drop pods.

The Non-Gaming Gamer:  These are the guys that always have an army, cool model, ect, but it’s never with them.  It’s in the closet at home.  This can range from a small force of Imperial Fists to a whole Regiment of Astra Militarum.  Despite multiple attempts to get these guys to play, they always forget to bring their army.  Interestingly enough, they are always willing to sit around and comment on your game.  They just don’t ever play one of there own.

The Win At All Cost Guy:  Commonly referred to as a WAAC player.  This guy has one goal whenever he plays a game, to win.  He is the idiot that came up with a 20 obliterator list when the unbound rules leaked.  Fluff, rules, decency towards his opponent, none of these things are even a consideration when he puts his model on the field.  Anyone who refuses to play him is just afraid to lose (in his mind).

The Ugly Painter:  This guy seems to be stuck at basic painting level.  We all started there, and most of us try to move beyond that.  Not him.  His painting is thick, sloppy, and usually lacking in any types of washes or highlights.  You almost cringe when you see his models.  You got to give it to him though, it takes guts to cover a few hundred dollars of plastic with craft store paint.

The Soccer Announcer:  This guys loves to narrate his games.  Unfortunately for his opponent, other guys in the shop, and the neighbors down the street, he chooses to do this narration like a Mexican soccer announcer.  Loud and full of long drawn out screams.  You can remind him to turn the volume down, but inevitable the volume will creep back up.  Like when some thing awesome happens.  Making an armor save will suffice.

The Apocalypse Guy:  He seems to have a large force of apoc only models.  Like several titans or other super heavies.  He lives for those 8 hour apoc games.  He scratch built his own Emperor Titan (it doubles as a cosplay outfit).  He has the old armor cast titans.  Considering he only rolls them out once or twice a year, no wonder he goes crazy during these games.

The Punching Bag:  This guy loses.  That is what he does.  He always starts each game with loads of enthusiasm and confidence, despite his 0-118 record from 6th.  You got to give it to him though, he knows no quit.  He always comes back for another round.  Not many of us could do that.  Side note: he is a great way to test out a new army list.

The Fluff Bunny:  This guy loves him some fluff.  He has probably memorized every codex, black library novel, and main rule book that he has got his hands on.  If you want a fun conversation, ask him about what happened to legion 2 and 11.  Any army he plays is a reflection of whatever piece of fluff that has caught his eye.  Horus heresy was made for this guy.  Now if only he could just get that unit of Gaunt’s Ghosts guardsmen to take down an entire chaos war host.

The Dark Angel Player:  He plays the space marines with the worst kept secret ever.  The emo marines.  Oddly enough this player to has fallen too.  He was so excited to get his new codex at the beginning of 6th.  As his codex fell in strength, he began to take on the dark brooding nature that his marines are sporting.  Now you can find him in the corner of most stores eying up all the other marine players jealously.  Apparently the good old first legion forgot to grab their grav guns on the way out of the armory.  Maybe there hands were too full with all those different plasma weapons.

The Resin Junkie:  This guy loves him some forgeworld resin.  Who cares that it cost more by ounce than gold.  If there is a version of a model in plastic and resin, you can bet he will have the resin.  Every new release by the mighty forgeworld brings joy to his life.  He stock piles his purchasing so he can get the free shipping, so you can usually jump in on his order and save yourself the 15%.  He seems so addicted to the stuff, you start to wonder if he is snorting the resin fillings collecting around his hobby desk.  Oh look, they just released the MK III B.2356778 Predator Redeemer, guess he will be ordering three of them.

The GW Fanboy:  This guy loves GW, even if that love does seem to be one way most of the time.  They can do no wrong in his eye.  Everything they produce, whether it be a rule book, codex, or model, is awesome.  He goes to every GW event he can, and usually has the shirts and event only merchandise to prove it.  He loves to tell stories about that time he met Graham McNeill.  Collector’s editions and limited run items were made for this guy, even if they do mean he can’t move out of there parents house for another few months now that his savings is gone.  No amount of internet hate can stop the GW Fanboy from keeping on his path.  Good on you GW Fanboy, we need some positive people in our community some days.

Rules Lawyer – The name says it all.  You will often find yourself in an abstract world when you play this gamer.  Such topics as the definition of “is” can become common place.  Interesting to note, his interpretation of the rules can often change and always seem to benefit him the most.  He is also the kind of guy who feels like pointing out your mistakes, no matter when they happened.  What’s that?  I moved my Assault marines out of initiate order in that game we played three weeks ago?  I am sorry, I am sure your fire warriors would have curb stomped them in that case.

Turtle Gamer – This gamer has one plan in every game he plays.  Defense.  Expect him to castle up and shoot at anything that comes close to him the entire game.  The double whammy in this case is they also tend to be indecisive in there actions.  A turn can take an exceedingly long time as he figures out everything.  You want to ruin his day?  Deepstrike two units next to his castle and watch his brain melt as he struggles with target priority.

The Finesse Gamer – This gamer thrives on making intricate and complex tactical plans to destroy his foes.  It’s important to him that he never wastes a shot, each bullet is precious and must always be applied in the correct location.  The movement phase is this players bread and butter, each move is precise and design to fit into his master plan.  Ultimately games end one of two ways with this guy.  Watching him smugly execute his plans with extreme satisfaction, or watching the horror on his face as his lovely plans crumble.  Remember it is never his plans fault, its always the dice, your army is over powered, the angle of the sun, the humidity, whatever.  Never his plan.  He will often grumble the phrase “That unit should have died two turns ago” when the tide starts to turn on him.

The Meat Head Gamer – Disclaimer, this one is pretty much how I play.  His tactics and game plans are very simple.  Build big things, throw big things at enemies.  Watch things die, hope they aren’t yours.  Consider him the foil the Finesse Gamer.  Any sign of strategy or tactics is abandoned as soon as he sites a big shinny target on the field.  The only reason these guys win games most of the time is through either A) ridiculous luck or B) an opponent who doesn’t take the chance to lead him around by the nose.  The phrase “never tell me the odds” pretty much describes his play style.

The ADD Gamer – This guy, as the name implies, can never seem to focus.  It goes for all things.  His games are full of interruptions either by chatting with his opponent, passers by, the wall, his models, ect.  His armies are a constantly rotating door of units and codexes.  You never seem the same list twice.  Sort of begs the question as to where these new models and armies keep coming from.  Maybe he is selling his meds to desperate college students cramming for finals.

The Stat Junkie – This guys is obsessed with tracking every little stat in the game.  How often you rolled better or worse than statically you should.  How many points he had to use to kill a unit of yours.  His win/loss record.  It’s like somehow if he can just get enough data, he can make a magical formula for writing a perfect army list.  It never happens though.  Nothing is more entertaining that watching him try to cope with you rolling above average for a turn or two.

The True Chaos Player – This guys is a little odd.  I am not talking about the run of the mill chaos guy.  I am talking about the guy that is truly devoted to the chaos gods.  They come in all the varieties you would expect.  Scrawny, long haired, finesse gamers that love Tzeentch.  Big fat smelly guys who worship Nurgle (usually a neck beard).  Creepy oddly erotic scrawny guys who love Slaanesh.  And of course the loud meat head Khorne devoted.  Expect weird little touches in there army, like actual blood mixed into the paint.  Just try to never end up alone in a room with this guy.

The Neck Beard:  This gamer can be identified by his ridiculous amount of facial hair below the jaw line.  He doesn’t even shave. His hair just magically stops growing on his face, preferring the shady regions on his neck.  It looks itchy and it may or may not be hiding bits of food or models.  He tends to stroke this beard, for he has nothing but love for his neck pelt.  Good for him, because no one else loves it.  Seriously dude, you’re the reason female gamers run screaming from our store.

The Virgin: This gamer is defined by his discomfort caused by the female gender.  He has had so little interaction with the opposite sex that he often freezes when one wanders in.  Then his behavior will take one of two routes.  He will either A) become so uncomfortable in their presence that he shuts up and hides in a corner until she leaves, or B) Attempts to overcome his crippling shyness and talk to her.  Either way its about to get really awkward in here.

The Spammer: This guy only knows one way to play.  If one is good, 10 is better.  He sees no point in writing a balanced list, just cram as many of the same great unit or model into a list then let it rip.  Double force organization charts made this guy cream his jeans a little.  Units like the riptide, helldrake, and wraithknight made him weak in the knees.  He is the guy that is going to loose his mind with the new unbound army lists. No, I do not want to fight your 8 wraithknight list. I don’t care if it’s legal now.

The Space Wolf: Every space wolf player has the same dream.  To become a space viking and ride off into the Eye of Terror with good ol’ Leman Russ.  They will protect their beloved army from any form of insult.  They often will band together into packs when they get together, cheering each other on for more blood shed.  Take a close look at that group next time, they seem to have a lot more beards then the rest of the community.  It’s because their models have beards.

The Dedicated Father:  These guys unfortunately had to put their hobby to the side to perpetuate their gene seed.  Not a decision that most of them regret, but their gaming is now a far different experience.  Instead of hobbying or gaming in small doses frequently, they cram it all into a single day or weekend that the wife has given them off.  This is demonstrated by their months of absence at the store followed by their sudden and vigorous return.  Every minute matters to this guy.  He needs to cram in as much gaming before that phone rings and he must return to tend to his brood.  A moment of silence for our fallen brothers.

The Chameleon Gamer: His army is strategically designed to allow him to play as may codex’s as possible.  It’s paint scheme is usually neutral, allowing it to say it is a successor of any space marine chapter.  Most clever ones can make a claim to there army using the space wolves, space marines, blood angels, grey knights, dark angels, all the new codex supplements, and if they are really lucky, chaos space marines.  You never know what codex to expect, but it is usually going to be the strongest one against your army.  So, what’s it going to be today?  Feels like a Grey Knights kinda day.

The Anti-Painter: This guy is defined by the large numbers of grey plastic he fields.  He never paints anything himself.  He will buy painted models if possible.  Extreme forms of these gamers will pay to have their army painted for them.  Honestly though, they could care less about the painting, they just want to play games.

The Cheap Ass Gamer – This one is pretty self explanatory.  He is cheap.  He never buys a unit at full retail price.  Almost everything he has is second hand or old as hell.  Why buy new models, these 2nd edition orks look just fine to me.  It physically pains him when a new codex or main rulebook comes out.  He can either wait to try to get it on sale or second hand or suck it up and buy the new book to keep up.  He will often try to borrow books and make photo copies of them or try to pirate a PDF.  He also haggles like a son of a bitch.  No, I don’t think 5 dollars for my landraider is a fair offer.  Nope, 6 isn’t enough either.

The Table Flipper:  Rage is this guy’s response to everything. Rage at his models, rage at his dice, rage at your models, rage at your dice.  Rage at the neck beard that walked by an pointed out why he was going to lose.  Throwing models or dice commonly occurs with him.  A horrible turn can be accompanied by the legendary table flip and walk away.  Best not to play this guy that often.  Or with models you are attached to.

The Nay Smith:  This guy always thinks he is going to lose.  No matter the match up.  Everything terrifies him.  Regardless of how the game is going, he will constantly tell you that he thinks he’s going to lose it.  It’s even more frustrating when he doesn’t.  Regardless of how you try to point out the happenings of the game, he still thinks you’re beating him.  Yeah, I highly doubt that my unit of grots is going to march over and take the relic from your unit of terminators.  Pretty sure you got this one in the bag bro.

Whew!  That was a ton.  Now I can get on to making some new ones.

Wargamer Stereotypes Part 4: The Revengence

mechanicumHowdy everyone, Severus here.  I want to give you guys the comedy you crave today to soften the blow that monday is having on all of us.  I may be scrapping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to these stereotypes, so check out my past articles if you haven’t, herehere, and here.  As always, this is strictly for fun, do not keep reading if you can’t laugh at yourself or our community.

The Win At All Cost Guy:  Commonly referred to as a WAAC player.  This guy has one goal whenever he plays a game, to win.  He is the idiot that came up with a 20 obliterator list when the unbound rules leaked.  Fluff, rules, decency towards his opponent, none of these things are even a consideration when he puts his model on the field.  Anyone who refuses to play him is just afraid to lose (in his mind).

The Ugly Painter:  This guy seems to be stuck at basic painting level.  We all started there, and most of us try to move beyond that.  Not him.  His painting is thick, sloppy, and usually lacking in any types of washes or highlights.  You almost cringe when you see his models.  You got to give it to him though, it takes guts to cover a few hundred dollars of plastic with craft store paint.

The Soccer Announcer:  This guys loves to narrate his games.  Unfortunately for his opponent, other guys in the shop, and the neighbors down the street, he chooses to do this narration like a Mexican soccer announcer.  Loud and full of long drawn out screams.  You can remind him to turn the volume down, but inevitable the volume will creep back up.  Like when some thing awesome happens.  Making an armor save will suffice.

The Apocalypse Guy:  He seems to have a large force of apoc only models.  Like several titans or other super heavies.  He lives for those 8 hour apoc games.  He scratch built his own Emperor Titan (it doubles as a cosplay outfit).  He has the old armor cast titans.  Considering he only rolls them out once or twice a year, no wonder he goes crazy during these games.

The Punching Bag:  This guy loses.  That is what he does.  He always starts each game with loads of enthusiasm and confidence, despite his 0-118 record from 6th.  You got to give it to him though, he knows no quit.  He always comes back for another round.  Not many of us could do that.  Side note: he is a great way to test out a new army list.

The Fluff Bunny:  This guy loves him some fluff.  He has probably memorized every codex, black library novel, and main rule book that he has got his hands on.  If you want a fun conversation, ask him about what happened to legion 2 and 11.  Any army he plays is a reflection of whatever piece of fluff that has caught his eye.  Horus heresy was made for this guy.  Now if only he could just get that unit of Gaunt’s Ghosts guardsmen to take down an entire chaos war host.

The Dark Angel Player:  He plays the space marines with the worst kept secret ever.  The emo marines.  Oddly enough this player to has fallen too.  He was so excited to get his new codex at the beginning of 6th.  As his codex fell in strength, he began to take on the dark brooding nature that his marines are sporting.  Now you can find him in the corner of most stores eying up all the other marine players jealously.  Apparently the good old first legion forgot to grab their grav guns on the way out of the armory.  Maybe there hands were too full with all those different plasma weapons.

That’s it for today guys.  Hope you had a laugh.  See you tomorrow.

Pyrovore goes nuclear

Reading the recent FAQs and rereading the Tyranid codex to see if the new rules in seventh made any unexpected changes, I realized that Games Workshop made a mistake. It happens, GW is not perfect. What GW has forgotten is to FAQ the Pyrovore’s special rules. And that bring into question, does one play rules as written, or rules as intended.

Let’s look at the Pyrovore special rule.

“Volatile – If a Pyrovore is slain by a Wound that inflicted Instant Death, every unit suffers a Strength 3 AP – hit for each model (excluding Pyrovores) within D6” of the slain Pyrovore (resolve damage before removing the Pyrovore as a casualty).”

Does this mean every unit within D6? Every unit on the board? Every unit in the store? As it reads, it could easily be interpreted as every unit on the board.

So, here’s my plan for massive entertainment. Surround the Pyrovore with a unit of 30 Termagants, and go looking for a model that can cause Instant Death. At T4, that could be a Meltagun, orbital bombardment, a Tau Rail gun, and a whole bunch of close combat weapons. When he is killed instantly, and the D6 is rolled, there will be potentially 30 S3 hits to every unit on the board. Think about that for a second, 30 S3 hits on every unit on the table, including my own units.

Doing the math in my head, 30 S3 hits on a 10-man Tactical squad would be about 10 wounds. Granted the space marines get their 3+ save, but still, about 2 should die, even if they were on the other side of the board. Carrying it further, 30 Hits on the Swarmlord could actually kill the Swamlord, unlikely, but possible.

So, do I play the rules as written or do I play the rules as intended? I would love to play it once, as written, against an unsuspecting opponent. Just the laughs alone would be entertaining.

Using this would be a great way to clear board of models, especially those 30 Termagants that were just sitting there, minding their own business.

Of course, having said all of that, planning these shenanigans, I also realize that it would require me to purchase and actually field a Pyrovore.

American Space Marines, F@$% Yeah!

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During one of the random conversations that our blogging group has, we started  throwing around the idea of writing a fandex.  In other words a fan made codex.  A few ideas bubbled up throughout the talk until we hit on it.  American Marines!

The obvious choice for Primarch would be none other than Chuck Norris.  Seriously, there is nothing more American than Chuck Norris except Chuck Norris riding an eagle (50pt upgrade). Were else should our marines derive there holy gene seed?

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The next position to fill, Chapter Master.  Now, we need someone who was both equally buff and a good showman, you got to take those xenos out with style after all.  The obvious choice was Hulk Hogan.  Need I say more?

Hulk-Hogan-is-a-Real-American

Now, in terms of our supporting roles within the chapter, our selections were not so easy.  Looking to fill the positions of Chief Librarian, Master of the Forge and Chief Chaplain, we scoured far and wide to find the right choices.  We have elected that Morgan Freeman shall be our soothing voice of reason in the role of Chief Librarian.  Our master of the forge was decided to be Richard Dean Anderson, since he can always fix anything with a roll of duct tape and a paper clip. Samuel L. Jackson will be there to bring the fiery word of the Emperor as our Chief Chaplain (who will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy his brothers).

Sammy-L

“And you will know I am the Emperor of Mankind when I lay my vengeance upon you.”

In keeping with the Chapter Tactics set down by the current space marine codex, we have developed our own set.  They are titles Chapter Tactics: Fuck Yeah!.  The special rule requires all terminators to dress as Captain America and take nothing but Storm Shields and power fists.

The second special rule is Sponsorship.  Since the cost of running a space marine chapter is exceedingly high due to the cost of ceramite, our chapter had to seek outside sponsorship.  They are 5 points per sponsorship, with no limit.  All sponsorships must be represented on the model.  Think nascar here folks.  Here are a few examples:

  • Trojan Sponsored Rhinos:  Increases the armor value, but our marines can only get out when it breaks
  • Walmart Sponsored Vehicles:  All vehicle upgrades are buy one get one free, but that crap breaks, so it’s one use only.
  • Budweiser Sponsored Marines: Gain Feel No Pain and Rage, always move as though moving through difficult terrain and only fires snap shots.
  • McDonalds Sponsored Marines: Gain Slow and Purposeful, and high cholesterol.

Obviously we are just having fun and trying to get a laugh here.  How would you guys make American Marines?