Howdy folks, Severus again. I want to do more humor articles like my war gaming stereotypes. Problem is I have like half a dozen articles filled with them. So, I decided to do a compilations (mainly so I can see what I have already done.) I know it is a bit lazy, but I am publishing it anyway. At least this way everyone is caught up.
WARNING: The following is for comedic purposes only. Do not take what I say personally. I am sure I could fit into several of these stereotypes myself. Just try to have fun guys.
The Old Veteran: These guys have been in the hobby forever. You can tell by there references to things like rogue trader, 3rd edition, or “I remember when that army first came out.” These gamers are often prone to “Previous Edition Syndrome”, a condition defined by the constant phrase “My mistake, that’s a rule from 4th ed”. In their defense, they have had to re learn the rule set 5 or 6 times. Often times they have models older than their opponent’s actual age. These old models can be picked out by there classic Vitruvian Man stance.
The Young Kid: Let’s face it, most of us started out like this. Their armies are often very small, since this game can be expensive. Models are poorly painted, often with craft store paint. Getting a ride to the game store from Mom, most of these guys are trapped in a there for many hours. Hovering over a game becomes a past time, often while asking a million questions to the players. In more extreme cases, these gamers begin to loose all focus on a single army and acquire small collections of 2-3 armies. None of these are big enough for a legal game.
The Hip Gamer: He used to play 40k, you know, before it was broken. Now he plays some game you never heard of. He dabbles in Warmachine and Infinity, but they are losing their appeal as they become more and more popular. If he does play 40k, he will often pull out an obscure army that you never see hit the table. Sisters of Battle, no he will not call them Adepta Sororitas.
The Professional Painter: This guy’s “table top quality” makes your models look like you painted them drunk. His play style can range from competitive to fluff. Regardless of wins or losses, he will always field a fully painted army ten times better than a single model in yours. You almost feel guilty killing his models. Fielding an unpainted model makes his skin crawl. Side note: don’t touch his models, some of these guys can be very protective of their babies. Or spill a coke on them.
The Converter: A close cousin to the painter, these gamers must convert every model in their army. No two models look the same. Building something straight out of the box physically hurts these guys. They can do things with green stuff you didn’t know was possible (Is that a tiny name patch on each of your guardsmen’s uniforms? Looks like I just killed “Trooper Franklin Octavio III”). In extreme cases, you may often have to ask him what each model in his army is again since they look nothing like the models that actually have rules.
The Afraid to Lose Guy: Lets face it, we all lose games. Seriously, don’t tell me you haven’t lost since 6th ed dropped, it makes me want to punch you. This guy is so afraid to let a loss sneak on to his record, he often fails to finish a game that he may lose. His phone will ring, he steps out, then there is a sudden reason he needs to leave before the game ends. Really, your lawn is on fire? I thought you lived in an apartment? Regardless, he will always say lets call it a draw as he quickly packs up his models. On the other hand if the game is a landslide, he always wants to play it out. You know, to see if he can table you.
The Ork Player: As you may know by now, I am an ork player. Our type is usually characterized by a complete lack of caring over model safety and winning. All ork players want to do is actually be an ork. Run forward and smash things. Models are often tossed casually into a dead pile or bucket. If one breaks, don’t worry, we have 300 more at least. A completely painted ork army is like finding a unicorn. Also, waaghs are usually screamed at the top of our lungs, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The Unprepared Guy: You can pretty much count on this guy to bring most of the models he needs to play, and that’s about it. Don’t be offended if he needs to borrow dice, templates, rulers, codex, ect. A few proxies will always be in his list, since he almost always left something at home. Why are there coke bottles all over your table? Oh, you forgot your drop pods.
The Non-Gaming Gamer: These are the guys that always have an army, cool model, ect, but it’s never with them. It’s in the closet at home. This can range from a small force of Imperial Fists to a whole Regiment of Astra Militarum. Despite multiple attempts to get these guys to play, they always forget to bring their army. Interestingly enough, they are always willing to sit around and comment on your game. They just don’t ever play one of there own.
The Win At All Cost Guy: Commonly referred to as a WAAC player. This guy has one goal whenever he plays a game, to win. He is the idiot that came up with a 20 obliterator list when the unbound rules leaked. Fluff, rules, decency towards his opponent, none of these things are even a consideration when he puts his model on the field. Anyone who refuses to play him is just afraid to lose (in his mind).
The Ugly Painter: This guy seems to be stuck at basic painting level. We all started there, and most of us try to move beyond that. Not him. His painting is thick, sloppy, and usually lacking in any types of washes or highlights. You almost cringe when you see his models. You got to give it to him though, it takes guts to cover a few hundred dollars of plastic with craft store paint.
The Soccer Announcer: This guys loves to narrate his games. Unfortunately for his opponent, other guys in the shop, and the neighbors down the street, he chooses to do this narration like a Mexican soccer announcer. Loud and full of long drawn out screams. You can remind him to turn the volume down, but inevitable the volume will creep back up. Like when some thing awesome happens. Making an armor save will suffice.
The Apocalypse Guy: He seems to have a large force of apoc only models. Like several titans or other super heavies. He lives for those 8 hour apoc games. He scratch built his own Emperor Titan (it doubles as a cosplay outfit). He has the old armor cast titans. Considering he only rolls them out once or twice a year, no wonder he goes crazy during these games.
The Punching Bag: This guy loses. That is what he does. He always starts each game with loads of enthusiasm and confidence, despite his 0-118 record from 6th. You got to give it to him though, he knows no quit. He always comes back for another round. Not many of us could do that. Side note: he is a great way to test out a new army list.
The Fluff Bunny: This guy loves him some fluff. He has probably memorized every codex, black library novel, and main rule book that he has got his hands on. If you want a fun conversation, ask him about what happened to legion 2 and 11. Any army he plays is a reflection of whatever piece of fluff that has caught his eye. Horus heresy was made for this guy. Now if only he could just get that unit of Gaunt’s Ghosts guardsmen to take down an entire chaos war host.
The Dark Angel Player: He plays the space marines with the worst kept secret ever. The emo marines. Oddly enough this player to has fallen too. He was so excited to get his new codex at the beginning of 6th. As his codex fell in strength, he began to take on the dark brooding nature that his marines are sporting. Now you can find him in the corner of most stores eying up all the other marine players jealously. Apparently the good old first legion forgot to grab their grav guns on the way out of the armory. Maybe there hands were too full with all those different plasma weapons.
The Resin Junkie: This guy loves him some forgeworld resin. Who cares that it cost more by ounce than gold. If there is a version of a model in plastic and resin, you can bet he will have the resin. Every new release by the mighty forgeworld brings joy to his life. He stock piles his purchasing so he can get the free shipping, so you can usually jump in on his order and save yourself the 15%. He seems so addicted to the stuff, you start to wonder if he is snorting the resin fillings collecting around his hobby desk. Oh look, they just released the MK III B.2356778 Predator Redeemer, guess he will be ordering three of them.
The GW Fanboy: This guy loves GW, even if that love does seem to be one way most of the time. They can do no wrong in his eye. Everything they produce, whether it be a rule book, codex, or model, is awesome. He goes to every GW event he can, and usually has the shirts and event only merchandise to prove it. He loves to tell stories about that time he met Graham McNeill. Collector’s editions and limited run items were made for this guy, even if they do mean he can’t move out of there parents house for another few months now that his savings is gone. No amount of internet hate can stop the GW Fanboy from keeping on his path. Good on you GW Fanboy, we need some positive people in our community some days.
Rules Lawyer – The name says it all. You will often find yourself in an abstract world when you play this gamer. Such topics as the definition of “is” can become common place. Interesting to note, his interpretation of the rules can often change and always seem to benefit him the most. He is also the kind of guy who feels like pointing out your mistakes, no matter when they happened. What’s that? I moved my Assault marines out of initiate order in that game we played three weeks ago? I am sorry, I am sure your fire warriors would have curb stomped them in that case.
Turtle Gamer – This gamer has one plan in every game he plays. Defense. Expect him to castle up and shoot at anything that comes close to him the entire game. The double whammy in this case is they also tend to be indecisive in there actions. A turn can take an exceedingly long time as he figures out everything. You want to ruin his day? Deepstrike two units next to his castle and watch his brain melt as he struggles with target priority.
The Finesse Gamer – This gamer thrives on making intricate and complex tactical plans to destroy his foes. It’s important to him that he never wastes a shot, each bullet is precious and must always be applied in the correct location. The movement phase is this players bread and butter, each move is precise and design to fit into his master plan. Ultimately games end one of two ways with this guy. Watching him smugly execute his plans with extreme satisfaction, or watching the horror on his face as his lovely plans crumble. Remember it is never his plans fault, its always the dice, your army is over powered, the angle of the sun, the humidity, whatever. Never his plan. He will often grumble the phrase “That unit should have died two turns ago” when the tide starts to turn on him.
The Meat Head Gamer – Disclaimer, this one is pretty much how I play. His tactics and game plans are very simple. Build big things, throw big things at enemies. Watch things die, hope they aren’t yours. Consider him the foil the Finesse Gamer. Any sign of strategy or tactics is abandoned as soon as he sites a big shinny target on the field. The only reason these guys win games most of the time is through either A) ridiculous luck or B) an opponent who doesn’t take the chance to lead him around by the nose. The phrase “never tell me the odds” pretty much describes his play style.
The ADD Gamer – This guy, as the name implies, can never seem to focus. It goes for all things. His games are full of interruptions either by chatting with his opponent, passers by, the wall, his models, ect. His armies are a constantly rotating door of units and codexes. You never seem the same list twice. Sort of begs the question as to where these new models and armies keep coming from. Maybe he is selling his meds to desperate college students cramming for finals.
The Stat Junkie – This guys is obsessed with tracking every little stat in the game. How often you rolled better or worse than statically you should. How many points he had to use to kill a unit of yours. His win/loss record. It’s like somehow if he can just get enough data, he can make a magical formula for writing a perfect army list. It never happens though. Nothing is more entertaining that watching him try to cope with you rolling above average for a turn or two.
The True Chaos Player – This guys is a little odd. I am not talking about the run of the mill chaos guy. I am talking about the guy that is truly devoted to the chaos gods. They come in all the varieties you would expect. Scrawny, long haired, finesse gamers that love Tzeentch. Big fat smelly guys who worship Nurgle (usually a neck beard). Creepy oddly erotic scrawny guys who love Slaanesh. And of course the loud meat head Khorne devoted. Expect weird little touches in there army, like actual blood mixed into the paint. Just try to never end up alone in a room with this guy.
The Neck Beard: This gamer can be identified by his ridiculous amount of facial hair below the jaw line. He doesn’t even shave. His hair just magically stops growing on his face, preferring the shady regions on his neck. It looks itchy and it may or may not be hiding bits of food or models. He tends to stroke this beard, for he has nothing but love for his neck pelt. Good for him, because no one else loves it. Seriously dude, you’re the reason female gamers run screaming from our store.
The Virgin: This gamer is defined by his discomfort caused by the female gender. He has had so little interaction with the opposite sex that he often freezes when one wanders in. Then his behavior will take one of two routes. He will either A) become so uncomfortable in their presence that he shuts up and hides in a corner until she leaves, or B) Attempts to overcome his crippling shyness and talk to her. Either way its about to get really awkward in here.
The Spammer: This guy only knows one way to play. If one is good, 10 is better. He sees no point in writing a balanced list, just cram as many of the same great unit or model into a list then let it rip. Double force organization charts made this guy cream his jeans a little. Units like the riptide, helldrake, and wraithknight made him weak in the knees. He is the guy that is going to loose his mind with the new unbound army lists. No, I do not want to fight your 8 wraithknight list. I don’t care if it’s legal now.
The Space Wolf: Every space wolf player has the same dream. To become a space viking and ride off into the Eye of Terror with good ol’ Leman Russ. They will protect their beloved army from any form of insult. They often will band together into packs when they get together, cheering each other on for more blood shed. Take a close look at that group next time, they seem to have a lot more beards then the rest of the community. It’s because their models have beards.
The Dedicated Father: These guys unfortunately had to put their hobby to the side to perpetuate their gene seed. Not a decision that most of them regret, but their gaming is now a far different experience. Instead of hobbying or gaming in small doses frequently, they cram it all into a single day or weekend that the wife has given them off. This is demonstrated by their months of absence at the store followed by their sudden and vigorous return. Every minute matters to this guy. He needs to cram in as much gaming before that phone rings and he must return to tend to his brood. A moment of silence for our fallen brothers.
The Chameleon Gamer: His army is strategically designed to allow him to play as may codex’s as possible. It’s paint scheme is usually neutral, allowing it to say it is a successor of any space marine chapter. Most clever ones can make a claim to there army using the space wolves, space marines, blood angels, grey knights, dark angels, all the new codex supplements, and if they are really lucky, chaos space marines. You never know what codex to expect, but it is usually going to be the strongest one against your army. So, what’s it going to be today? Feels like a Grey Knights kinda day.
The Anti-Painter: This guy is defined by the large numbers of grey plastic he fields. He never paints anything himself. He will buy painted models if possible. Extreme forms of these gamers will pay to have their army painted for them. Honestly though, they could care less about the painting, they just want to play games.
The Cheap Ass Gamer – This one is pretty self explanatory. He is cheap. He never buys a unit at full retail price. Almost everything he has is second hand or old as hell. Why buy new models, these 2nd edition orks look just fine to me. It physically pains him when a new codex or main rulebook comes out. He can either wait to try to get it on sale or second hand or suck it up and buy the new book to keep up. He will often try to borrow books and make photo copies of them or try to pirate a PDF. He also haggles like a son of a bitch. No, I don’t think 5 dollars for my landraider is a fair offer. Nope, 6 isn’t enough either.
The Table Flipper: Rage is this guy’s response to everything. Rage at his models, rage at his dice, rage at your models, rage at your dice. Rage at the neck beard that walked by an pointed out why he was going to lose. Throwing models or dice commonly occurs with him. A horrible turn can be accompanied by the legendary table flip and walk away. Best not to play this guy that often. Or with models you are attached to.
The Nay Smith: This guy always thinks he is going to lose. No matter the match up. Everything terrifies him. Regardless of how the game is going, he will constantly tell you that he thinks he’s going to lose it. It’s even more frustrating when he doesn’t. Regardless of how you try to point out the happenings of the game, he still thinks you’re beating him. Yeah, I highly doubt that my unit of grots is going to march over and take the relic from your unit of terminators. Pretty sure you got this one in the bag bro.
Whew! That was a ton. Now I can get on to making some new ones.