Oy, listen up you gitz! Kaptain Klaw here again. Dat puny humie Severus still hasn’t been able to beat da best ork der eva waz, me! So, I am still runnin da show. I hear from me boyz dat a lot of you gitz play wit da other racez in 40k. Well, it’s time for da kaptain to set ya straight.
Adeptius Sororitas – Wazn’t deez girlz da sistas of batttle once? What da hell happened, I can’t even say da new name. Dat alone iz reazon enough to throw dez panzy girls to da side. Although da dough bring a lot of burna and dakka. Always good for a good scrap.
Astra Militarum – What da hell GW, wazn’t deez da puny humies that waz da imperial guard? What’s next, better not be changing da orks to Green Space Hominids. Dat would be lame. Any way, deez guys iz nice and squishy, easy for da orks to krump. Hmm, da do have a lot of dakka and armor. Better bring me more boyz.
Chaos Daemons – Now deez lads is fun. Dey just keep coming. Not exactly sure where da keep coming from. Who carez, dey love a good scrap. Nofing better dan dat!. Make sure you bring plenty of dakka jets, dem bird ones can be annoyning. One even tried convince my boyz he waz Mork.
Blood Angels – Spaze marinez. Dez onez like uzing da red paint, so dey go fasta den the rest. Dey can put up a decent fight for a big humie. Watch out for da onez dressed in black. Dey keep yelling something about Horus, maybe itz dere waaagh. Anyway, dey is tough, worthy of some nobz to teach em a lesson.
Chaos Space Marines – Dez iz da spiky marinez. Sometimes da bring doz daemon thingiez. For some reason da is easier to scare den da rest of da marines. Maybe da just have more respect for da orks. Da got dis big metal bird thingy, it can sure toast some boyz. Stay clear of dat till it getz low enough to hit it wit a klaw.
Dark Angels – Dez iz da emo marinez. For some reason da keep looking for someting called da fallen. Maybe dey dropped some boyz out of dere cruzer once. Dey seem really upset about it, don’t try to talk wits dem about it. Dey are green though, so dey can’t be dat bad.
Dark Eldar – Spiky space elves. Day are puny and fragile. Dey never like a good straight fight. Dey runz around a lot and bring lotz of dakka. One of me boyz told me dat they actually have pointy earz dat fight like a propa ork, but dere leaders keep leaving dem at home. Guess some one got to clean da squig cagez.
Eldar – More point eared space elves. Day would neva admitz it, but they are like dere spiky friends. Dey run around and avoid any good scraps. Lotz of dakka. Dey cant runz if we haz covered da field in boyz though, can dey? Dey can, well dere goez my brilliant plan. Maybe good old Gork has something up hiz sleeve (or maybe Mork).
Grey Knight – Deez iz da shinay space marinez. Dey really hate dem daemon thingies. Good newz iz dat dey don’t have a lot of boyz. So we orks gotz to swamp dem wit boyz. Promise yur ladz that da first one to bring you da head getz demselves a spot in your nobz. Den let dem die while you can get in der and krump dem shiny boyz heads.
Imperial Knights – Where da heck did dez come from? Did da humies get some new mek boyz? Dey keep sayin dat dey have had dez little stompas for a long time. I neva seen dem before. Dey can really krump some boyz, so keep an eye on dem. Or have your mek whip up a stompa or a gorkanaut.
Necrons – Deez boyz went a whittle too far wit dem cyborg bodies da dok’s is always tryin to givez us. I can’t evenz seez any flesh bitz on dem anymore. Dey also can take a good krumpin and den stand back up. Da worst of dem iz da warboss one dat keeps tricking my boyz into krumpin dem selvez. I need to learn dat trick.
Space Marines – Ahh, da good ol’ spaze marinez. I love deez lads. Dey can always be counted on to give me a good scrap. Dey tink dey iz da best. We all know dat orks is da best though. Dey gotz deez gunz dat da mek boyz love to use. Putz a big hurten on da boyz. Best to krump dem thundafire kannonz quickly. Or bring more boyz.
Space Wolves – Now deez lads iz odd. Dey look like dey iz part dogz and part spaze marinez. Or maybe space vikingz. Da gotz deyz weird boyz, dey call dem runz priest. For some reazon dey seem less powerful dan dey use to be. Maybe dat moon power of derez izn’t az fancy az dey tink.
Tau Empire – Ahh, da good ol’ space fish thingiez. Da sure do love deemz da dakka. Da got deez big suitz of mega-armor wit some real good dakka. I keepz tryin to loot me onez, but da damn thingiez ain’t built to fitz an ork of me stature. Datz okay, maybe we can try to shovez some grotz into dem next time. I broke da last onez tryin to open, maybe I shouldn’t have uzed me klaw.
Tyranids – Deez boyz givez da kpatian da kreepz. Da iz a bunch of little gribbly bugz, which for da most partz izn’t worth da trouble to scrapz wit. Da big onez, now dem is worth da fight. Da got diz warboss wit four armz, called da swarmzlordz. He iz a propa worthy kit. I keepz telling da doks to try to may boyz wit 4 arms, but dat lot can’t seemz to get it right. All I eva getz out of dem boyz with extra armz stickin out of dere back. Dey just flail around and slap day boyz behind dem.